This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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