Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
