Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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