And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
And then he peed in my hair
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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