This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
