Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
