if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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