Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
