There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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