Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
