porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
