I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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