I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize