If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
