i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
