Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
