i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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