He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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