Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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