Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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