there's paper in my vomit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
