I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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