sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
