made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
