when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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