I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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