it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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