How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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