I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
