You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize