why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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