So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
