my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
