I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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