I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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