Just fell off a train. Bad.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
