So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize