Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
