It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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