I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
