I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
