Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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