dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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