Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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