Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
