I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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