you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
