The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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