so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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