We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
