I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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