Someone shit on the floor
are you so shy because you have an std?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
