I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Randomize
