Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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