Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
