Where did you get a picture of my penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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