3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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