If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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