Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
