i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
